Embarrassment, Insight, New Start, Ramblings, Thoughts

Random Ramblings…

Taken from about 1996

In my quest to…put myself out there, or rather, HOW to put myself out there, I figured I needed to consult someone to help me. I need to rid my mind of the cobwebs and obstacles that seem to leave me paralyzed. I have read countless BLOGS on where to begin writing, I have written numerous papers on a range of topics, and still, I just find it hard to begin. I decided I needed to start at the beginning, so I consulted someone I know well, myself. That is, my 16 year-old journaling self. As embarrassing as it was to go back in time (because of course I knew EVERYTHING then), it was rather insightful…something I didn’t expect.

I have a ton of ideas in my mind at all times, but knowing where to start and how to start is stiffling. Do you start at the beginning? Do you skip the fluff and crap (or what you consider crap)? When I read my entries from 18 years ago, it reminded me of how “big” things were then. A breakup was truly heartbreaking, even though my 34 year-old self laughs, it was crushing then. A fight with my very best friend was the end of the world, and here I am 14 years later and I have completely lost touch with him, but look back on that relationship with great memories.

My mom allowed me to go through these emotions, and never made them seem insignificant. This is something that I take into my role as a mom with my young daughters. So, in my attempted to clear my head and hopefully find something meaningful to contribute, I decided to divulge some things I learned in looking back:

  1. I was an idiot at 16, 17, 18, 19….hell, I’ll probably look back at 34 when I’m 54 and think I’m an idiot (and if you deciphered any of that, you’re a genius!) –  Half the “drama” wasn’t even an nth of what I thought it was. Drama is much more significant in adult life, invited or not, it will find you and wreak havoc on your life and you will wish for the drama of high school.
  2. I was actually a pretty good writer. – I never appreciated how easily it came to me then, but I certainly do now.
  3. I completely forgot I wrote any poems…they weren’t fabulous, BUT hey, I wrote them! – Whether they were about love, or endings for some reason, they are still relevant in my life today. Who knew I was insightful?? (J/K)
  4. My intention in even ever journaling, as I put it, was to “remember everything.” – NOTEmuch of what I wrote, I have since forgotten, BUT rereading it did bring them back…mission accomplished!

So here it goes, lets see what else I have up my sleeve…

Hasta!
-Ton

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